The Madness of Love

Spending your life and raising children with somebody is the most important commitment you will ever make. Such an undertaking carries the most sincerity if you are unable to back out; in other words, the promise becomes persuasive when you "fall in love". You cannot decide on the person with whom you'll fall in love by, say, having a checklist of desirable characteristics (although chances are that you and your partner will both have compatible characteristics); instead, it might be a laugh, a smile or a certain personality trait that will initially capture your heart. It wasn't for nothing that Elvis Presley sang the lyrics, "... I can't help falling in love with you". Indeed it has been said that those who are sensible about love are incapable of it. Think about it: how many people really know their partners when they fall in love with them?

Being in a state of passionate love usually does not last for more than a couple of years, and this is certainly not long enough to raise a child. But this passionate romantic love is only the first stage in the process of human sexual relationship, and its purpose is to focus all of one's courtship energy on a single person, to the exclusion of anybody else. The next stage involves a feeling of friendship, mutual respect and sexual commitment.
So, what happens to us when we fall in love? We've all heard those song lyrics which tell us that when you're in love, "you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreaming", or you're "walking on sunshine". From a cold scientific point of view, the euphoric feelings associated with the early stages of love are thought to be caused in the brain by a combination of dopamine and a chemical called phenylethylamine, working on the reward pathways from the limbic system (the unconscious part of the brain) to the cerebral cortex (the conscious part of the brain).
Human sexual bonding seems to be partly caused by the effects on the brain of a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and also in the gonads (ovaries and testes); it is released as a result of sexual stimulation. During an orgasm, the brain is literally bathed in oxytocin and it produces that warm loving feeling that is conducive to pair bonding and the laying down (so to speak) of pleasant memories; the feeling of closeness after having sex with a beloved, is most probably due to oxytocin. Oxytocin is a lot like an addictive drug; couples affected by this hormone are blinded by love: they become oblivious to their partners' faults and they see life through rose-coloured glasses. On the flipside, a person may feel very uncomfortable and agitated when separated from the one he/she loves ... this could well be due to a need for an oxytocin "fix". Romantic love can therefore be likened to a drug-induced lunacy where reality (whatever that is) is distorted.

We often describe romantic love as an emotion but, in fact, it's a motivational state of mind which has the aim of making us pursue a preferred partner ... just as hunger is a motivational state of mind "designed" to make us pursue sustenance.

So, even though we are usually attracted to compatible partners, romantic love is a kind of chemically-instigated self-delusion; is this really a good mechanism for building relationships? Well, what's the alternative? If all sexual relationships were founded on "rational" decisions - e.g. having a shopping list of suitable qualities and characteristics of a potential partner - then what would happen if an even more suitable potential mate moved in next door? Nature has bestowed romantic love upon humanity - a state of mind that we do not decide to have and is not triggered by objective decision-making; a state of mind that compels us to "follow our beloved to the end of the earth". However, just as there are plenty of love songs that proclaim how wonderful love can be, there are just as many songs that reveal the pain and heart-break that results when love doesn't work out ... this is the other side of the coin.

Spurned lovers have been known to display obsessive behaviour, rage, paranoia and depression. A rejected lover can endure some of the most deeply-felt emotional pain possible. When lovers first get rejected, they may enter a "protest phase" where they devote all their energy to trying to win back their partner's affections; they become obsessed with their primary goal of rekindling the relationship. They may resort to emails, phone calls, humiliating visits to the ex-lover's home and workplace, and stalking. Under these circumstances, the brain keeps producing excess dopamine as if an expected reward is delayed in coming. High levels of dopamine are associated with high motivation in attaining goals, but is also linked to anxiety. At this stage, the thwarted lover's stress system springs into action, due to a separation anxiety. The hypothalamus secretes a hormone called CRH, which is the first trigger to the release of cortisol - the stress hormone. This stress causes the production of even more dopamine in the brain. We thus get the situation whereby, the more a rejected lover's efforts are frustrated, the higher his/her dopamine levels rise, prompting the disappointed lover to try even harder.
Dumped lovers may also experience anger - even if the separation wasn't a particularly nasty one. This becomes understandable as the goal of reconciliation starts to appear unattainable, and the situation becomes frustrating.
Eventually, the disappointed lover comes to the realisation that it is really all over, and gives up. Many sink into depression, some turn to drink, some even resort to more drastic measures, like suicide.
Of course, not everybody reacts to romantic rejection in the same way. Some have the ability to overcome romantic setbacks relatively easy.
If you believe that romantic love is akin to a chemically-induced madness, you may begin to understand the cases of unrequited love in literature: Don Quixote and Dulcinea, Dante Alighieri and Beatrice Portinari, and Goethe's "The Sorrows of Young Werther". You may also understand (but not condone) to some extent the behaviour of stalkers. Even the most intelligent and well-adjusted people can succumb to the madness of love, and behave in the most bizarre ways. Just look at the case of Lisa Nowak - a NASA astronaut and robotics expert, no less. She is awaiting trial for her crime of passion: read all about her HERE. Nowak's is not a happy ending but it seems to me that when it comes to love in the 21st century, "happily ever after" is the exception to the rule ... but let's do it anyway.
‎